Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
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i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
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He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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