Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
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I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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