You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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