I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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