Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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