the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
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The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
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I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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