I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be your penis for a week.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize