you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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