it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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