Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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