okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
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I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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