You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
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Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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