There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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