don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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