the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
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I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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