fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
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You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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