Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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