my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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