I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
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Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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