On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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