There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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