I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
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He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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