Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
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I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
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And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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