Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
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If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
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Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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