I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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