my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
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This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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