I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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