I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize