I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
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Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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