Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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