i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
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I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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