my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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