Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
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