another moral hangover. fuck.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
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I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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