Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
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Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
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You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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