Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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