Buhtt sex?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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