He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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