So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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