Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
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they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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