Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
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I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
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He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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