Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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