Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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