I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize