I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
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Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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