Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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