____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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