First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
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I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
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I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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