you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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