Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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